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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg re

From my Soviet friend- For men, what is the difference between a golf ball and a G spot. Men will keep looking for the golf ball.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.  It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.  The difference is staggering.

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Justin/Matt (mypasswordis) walks into a bar. He sits at the bar and orders 6 shots of Bourbon.

The bartender walks over, looks Justin over a bit and says "You look a little young to be in here son, you got some ID?"

Justin says "Look man, I'm only 20 but I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

The bartender looks around the empty bar and says "Well there's nobody in here to complain, so I don't see the harm."

He pours 6 shots of Bourbon, and Justin shoots them straight down, one after the other, then he immediately orders 6 more shots.

The bartender pours the shots but tells Justin he needs to pace himself. Justin slams the next 6 shots down one after the other, and orders 6 more.

The bartender walks over and tells Justin "Hey man, it's great that you're celebrating your first blowjob and all, but you really need to slow down."

To which Justin replies "Fuck that! I've had 12 shots and I still can't get that taste out of my mouth!"

Edited by swt61
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  • 4 weeks later...

My favorite joke:

A frog and a scorpion are sitting on the banks of the Tigris River. The scorpion walks over to the frog and says "Hey, frog - How's about you let me hop on your back and you give me a ride across the river?"

The frog looks at the scorpion like he's crazy, and says "Absolutely not, if I let you near me, you'll just kill me."

To which the scorpion responds, "Come on, man. If I killed you, I would die in the river!"

The frog thinks about it for a minute, and relents. "Alright scorpion, I'm convinced. Hop on."

So the scorpion hops on the frog's back and they start swimming across the river. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog.

The frog looks up at the scorpion, shocked, and says "What the hell, man! Now I'm going to die, and you're going to drown!"

The scorpion smugly looks down at the frog and replies, "Welcome to the Middle East, bitch."

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  • 1 month later...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

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It said... "My reward to you and the rest of the 5% is an unusually large penis, use the Tice wisely my Son."

This just in... early survey results indicate that the percentage of misbehaving individuals just went up to 99%. A leading factor in the majority of the final 1% seems to be that they are currently under the age of 9.

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  • 4 weeks later...

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” “1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.” The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first turns to the bartender and says, "I vant a tall glass of blood."

The bartender obliges.

The second vampire turns to the bartender and says, "I vant one too."

The bartender fills up a second glass and, smiling towards the third vampire, asks, "I assume you'll have what your friends are having, no?"

The third vampire takes seat on his bar-stool, shakes his head, and replies, "no, no, no, I vill not. Tall glass of vater for me."

The bartender obliges but, both confused and curious, comments "Water? I thought vampires only drank blood..."

"Ve do! Ve do! But zis night," he says as he dangles a used tampon taken from his pocket, "zis night I vanted tea!"

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An alcoholic, a chain smoker, and a sex addict are told by their doctor that if they have one more drink, one more smoke, or one more sex act -- respectively -- that they will die.

Indignant, they are walking down the street. They start to pass a bar, but the alcoholic walks in. "One drink isn't going to kill me." He has a drink, then immediately falls over, dead.

Shaken, the remaining two continue on their way. An unfinished cigarette is smoking on the ground. Says the sex addict, "you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant named Billy, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, Billy came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

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A young Polish man is going out to the store. About halfway there, he realises he has forgotten his papers. The man immediately turns around and runs back to his house. But it's too late. An SS guard stops him.

"Can I please see your papers." He demands.

"I'm so sorry sir, I promise I have them, I've left them at home but it's just around the block."

"I'm going to need to see some papers or I'll have to take you in."

"No, please, just accompany back to my house, I have them, I promise I'm not lying, let me prove it!"

"That's not how it works, you're going to have to come with me."

And as the SS officer has his gun pointed to the young Polish man's head, ready to shoot if he makes one wrong move, the clouds above them part and they are basked in a shower of heavenly light and a deep voice speaks to the SS officer:

"Do not harm this man, for he is destined to be Pope one day."

The SS officer pauses, thinks for a minute, then slowly lowers his gun.

"Okay" he says "I won't hurt him.... But I want to be Pope too."

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So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

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So Daddy's Little Princess goes off to college. A couple weeks into the semester, she writes for money to buy a bicycle to get around campus. He sends her the money, but by the time she gets it, she's already in shape, and no longer needs the bicycle...and has since fallen for a monkey at the local pet store, so she buys that instead. A couple weeks later, the monkey falls ill, becomes lethargic, and starts molting. Not knowing what to do, she panics and writes her dad, "The hair is falling off my monkey!"

He writes back, simply, "Sell the bike".

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  • 3 weeks later...

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days.."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

A beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed..

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?".

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ?".

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,


FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...


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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"

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