Solution - self install battery powered LED tap light, or motion sensing?
e.g. http://www.amazon.com/Wireless-Motion-Sensor-Light-2-Pack/dp/B00GWLVREE
Much more cost effective as a sacrificial offering than a smart phone.
Fancy moving to Chattanooga?
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/aug/30/chattanooga-gig-high-speed-internet-tech-boom
Not too pricey https://epbfi.com/internet/
Not just you Mikey
You might want to reconsider given.
Desk (computer(s) not included) ~ $2K http://www.frozencpu.com/products/21024/cross-01/
http://www.redharbinger.com/press/#custom-tab-2-cross-desk
As Was http://www.redharbinger.com/blog/portfolio/cross-desk-complete/
Some Folks are building their own using the desk ... http://redharbinger.com/forums/#buildlogs.120