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The Knuckledragger 3rd Memorial Slow Forum Post


Knuckledragger

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It's been too hot to be slow

 

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Welcome to Brisbane.

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CARTMAN comes running up to the bus stop, where STAN, KYLE, and KENNY have been discussing Game of Thrones.

CARTMAN: You guys! You guys! Seriously! You're not going to believe it! You guys!

KYLE: What is it, fatass?

CARTMAN: You guys! Listen! Killing black people is totally legal now!

(There is a pause while this sinks in.)

STAN: Cartman, what the fuck are you talking about?!

CARTMAN: I heard it on the news! It's totally okay to kill black people now!

KYLE: What did you hear on the news?

KENNY: Mm-mmf-mm mmm-mmm-mm mmm mm!

STAN: Seriously, Cartman, that just sounds like one of your messed up, racist dreams!

CARTMAN: No, it's real! There's this guy named George Zimmerman, and he totally hunts black people! He killed a black kid named Tray-von Mar-tin, and the courts told him it was okay!

KYLE: That's not what happened, dickwad!

CARTMAN: Shut up, you stupid Jew! How would you know? Jews can't even own guns!

KYLE: Yes we can, fatass!

(TOKEN arrives at the bus stop.)

TOKEN: Hey, guys, what's up?

STAN: Token? What are you doing here? Don't your parents have a chauffeur or something for you?

TOKEN: Yeah, but he's on vacation. I'm stuck riding the bus for a week.

KYLE: ... But don't you live on the other side of town?

TOKEN: For some reason, the bus doesn't stop near my house. I had to take a taxi over here!

CARTMAN: (Interrupting.) Um... Tooookeeeen? Um... are you woooorrieeeed that someone's going to kiiiiiill yooooooou?

TOKEN: What?!

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! It is not legal to kill black people!

TOKEN: What the hell are you guys talking about?

STAN: Cartman saw the outcome of the Zimmerman trial, and now he thinks it's okay to kill black people.

KENNY: Mmm. Mmm mmm mmm-mmm-mmf mmm mm!

TOKEN: What? That's not what the trial was about!

CARTMAN: Psh. You would say that, Token. You're black.

KYLE: That has nothing to do with it, Cartman!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah?! (He points an accusing finger at Kyle.) How about you shut your Jew mouth before I jam apistol down your throat?

TOKEN: You have a gun?!

STAN: No, he doesn't.

CARTMAN: Wait. Token! You have a gun! Give it to me!

TOKEN: No I don't!

CARTMAN: Token, you're black, you have a fucking gun!

TOKEN: That does it, I'm taking the taxi to school!

(TOKEN leaves.)

KYLE: Nice going, fatass!

CARTMAN: Oh, you are so lucky he didn't give me his gun!

STAN: Token doesn't have a gun! Not all black people carry guns! That's racist, Cartman!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well, if... black people... if they don't carry guns... Travyon Martin attacked George Zimmerman!

KYLE: What does that have to do with anything?!

CARTMAN: Duh! It's why hunting black people is legal now!

STAN: Jesus, Cartman, this is messed up, even for you!

CARTMAN: I'm not the one who said it!

KYLE: Yes, you are! There is no way that anyone would go on national television and say that it's legal to hunt black people!

CARTMAN: Shows what you know, you stupid Jew! It just so happens that someone did go on national television and say that it was legal to hunt black people.

KENNY: Mmf?

CARTMAN: His name was Al Sharpton.

STAN: Jesus Christ...

CARTMAN: HEY! You know what? I'm going to prove it! I'm going to get on the phone to Al Sharpton and tell him to come to South Park.

KYLE: Al Sharpton wouldn't come to South Park, dipshit.

CARTMAN: Oh, he will... I'll make him an offer... he can't refuse...

As the episode progresses, CARTMAN manages to convince AL SHARPTON to visit South Park. AL SHARPTON mistakenly thinks that South Park has - in light of the Zimmerman verdict - made it legal to hunt black people. He decides to use the town as an example of how racist and terrible the country has become. CARTMAN, realizing that AL SHARPTON is black, decides to plan a hunt of his own. He asks JIMBO and NED to help, but they are understandably appalled, and decide to follow AL SHARPTON around town to keep him from being attacked. They dub themselves "The Neighborhood Watchmen," and call themselves "THE SPARROW" and "FREUD," respectively.

Meanwhile, KYLE and STAN decide to find out what the trial was actually about (and what its outcome implies), only to discover that everyone in town has a different opinion. OFFICER BARBRADY - having noticed that TOKEN is not following his usual routine - starts following TOKEN around town, and GERALD BROFLOVSKI starts following OFFICER BARBRADY, intent on being the star lawyer in the inevitable trial of BARBRADY VS COMMON SENSE. Eventually, everyone gets sick of following everyone else around, and they all independently decide to go to 7-11 for some M&Ms. They all arrive at once, and they all accuse one another of things. AL SHARPTON decides, for some reason, that the best course of action is to take himself hostage. The situation escalates until KYLE and STAN arrive and inform everyone that although nobody really knows what happened between Zimmerman and Martin, the legal system did its job. They also comment on the absurdity of having the trial televised in the first place, and how turning it into a media circus just wound up creating dissenting opinions and tension.

At that moment, CARTMAN manages to track down AL SHARPTON, whom he attacks. Somehow or other, this is seen as a heroic act, and everyone (save for STAN and KYLE) praises CARTMAN for defusing the hostage situation. AL SHARPTON drops his gun, which goes off and kills KENNY.

ROLL CREDITS.

Via Redderp.
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