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Heckling Help. I think I've come to the right place for ideas.


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Yes, what the title says. I need help. Apparently, the almuni committee where I work voted, and I was chosen, among a few others, to be in a dunk tank for a fund-raising event tomorrow where alumni, family, and other staff puchase balls to throw. I have just been told I am supposed to heckle the throwers. This is sooooo not my forte. The only things I can think of to say probably are what got me in the voted in the dunk tank in the first place, but hardly heckles, or else wildly inappropriate things that would guarantee I'd never be in the dunk tank again, as I would have no more job. Anyway, have at it peoples. I know this is a talented bunch. Give me your best lines.

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Think pitching in baseball and you'll find such classics as these:

  • Yoko Ono's got better pitch control than you
  • I've seen better pitching in T-ball!
  • Call the zoo, he's getting wild!
  • You've got about as much control as two rabbits on their first date!
  • Hey, lunch meat - keep serving that baloney!
  • How can you throw with both hands wrapped around your neck?
  • You couldn't pitch hot biscuits to a hungry dog
  • I've seen a better arm on a box of baking soda!
  • I've seen better arms on a beanbag chair!



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If someone doesn't hit something soon, I'm going to reach over and dunk myself.

And then you can get all dada-ist and respond in an entirely different direction:

Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?

Here, maybe this will help -- pretend it's your mama. Because I'd hit that.

You throw like your face.

This water isn't going to come up and surround me.

This babe ain't dunking herself.

The breeze will keep me cool, 'cause it sure as hell ain't going to be the water.

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  • I saw your fastball pictured on the side of a milk carton!
  • Wake me up when I get wet
  • I've seen better pitchers at a Tupperware party!
  • I've seen more heat in an EZ-Bake oven!
  • Phoenix called. They want this dry weather I've been having
  • We should arrange a funeral for your dead arm!

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^ that one could get me fired. Remember, these are former patients, their families, and even staff's families with little kids. I can't be my normal self. Weird that in my groups I can have a fouler mouth than in the dunk tank, but it is what it is.

So "You were in the drunk tank, now put me in the dunk tank!" would be bad?

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