Hell and Back -- this is hilarious. "Please remove all religious paraphernalia. If you're a priest or a nun, that's just really funny because you wasted your life. Enjoy your stay in hell, and remember, you're here for a reason or you're Jewish. Pick up after yourself, your mother doesn't live here, and if she does, she was a whore."
"I got an idea for another great punishment. Imagine this...hot girl, she asks you out. She's like, 'hey, let's go do Bikram yoga.' You go, you do yoga. It's hot, it's sweaty, she looks fucking great."
"She shows you every major flexibility that she has."
"Sweaty in all the right places."
"What do you call that one move? Dog down."
"She can get her feet behind her ears."
"She can put her legs behind her fucking neck and walk home on her ass."
"She's making her body into the alphabet righ there on that yoga mat. A, B, C, D..."
"And she's spelling out, 'fuck me'."
"Of course she is!"
"...while you're doing yoga, which sucks for you, but you're gonna do it because you're gonna get to fuck this hot girl after."
"Oh I love that!"
"End of the night, 'good night, I gotta go home.'"
"What?!"
I am laughing inordinately hard at this shit.
"I can't believe you said the n-word!"
"No, it's alright down here, I can say it down here."
...and...
"Do you know what the hardest part of owning a cat is? Telling your parents that you're gay."
Oh hey, that was kind of mean.